Knowing I can’t do better than Twenty Major’s list of AsshatPalooza 2007, or Bock The Robber’s, is something of a bummer. So, I’ve decided to construct the only 2007 recap that will put John Gormley and Britney Spears on the same list. These are the 10 bodies I’d like to thank for making my year worth while, for better or for worse.
10. Senator David Norris
The man is a legend. A hero of long standing, lobbying for human rights and gay marriage, and a quick wit not afraid to call a dog license a dog license. How can anyone not utterly adore him? I swear, I want a David Norris teddy bear for Christmas. (Naturally, I will name it Muhammad.) He is also permanently dignified despite all the ridiculous crap he has to put up with. God love him.
09. Katie French
If for nothing else, for finally alerting those of us who are slightly slower than the other children in the class to what a pack of rat bastards the Indo are. Actually, there is nothing else, but that’s beside the point.
08. Galway City Council
I applaud them for their exemplary environmental activism and resource conservation by ceasing delivery of clean drinking water to the citizens of their city for 157 straight days. And counting. I also commend them for their unique cultural exchange initiative to introduce Galway’s residents to the delicate bouquet of imported bottled water. Tip: Pellegrino with lemon, Perrier with lime.
07. Every Corrupt Broker and Every Rent Boy in the USA
The Republican party purge this year has been extraordinary. Extraordinary in its breadth and extraordinary in the depth of my unmitigated glee. So on behalf of disgruntled Americans everywhere, I would personally like to thank every corrupt corporation in the US that ever gave a bribe to or did a shady land deal with a Republican politician, and especially each and every rent boy these Republicans promptly turned around and gave the cash to.
I love you, each and every one of you. Call me, we’ll do Prada.
06. Justine Delaney Wilson
I’m sure her book High Society and the RTE segment of the same monniker were named with a simple pun in mind. But rather than conjouring images of middle class managers and local TDs doing blow off their Blackberrys, I thought the thing was named after the prominent porn magazine and was looking forward to CEOs and a cabinet minister or two doing eight balls off the sturdy breasts of and pert buttocks of prostitutes and rent boys (respectively). I was terribly disappointed, and urge Ms Delaney Wilson to make up much more prurient real life stories next time. Please.
05. John Gormley and Dan Boyle
For the negotiations that brought the Green Party into coalition with Fianna Fáil, and the Green Party into Irish government for the first time in the party’s 25 year history. And for actually doing something with their new posts, which is really enough of a revolution for the moment. Plus I can flog all my old lightbulbs to the UK on Ebay now. Result!
04. Britney Spears
For the sheer entertainment value. Way, way better than Paris Hilton for jaw-dropping, inadvertent hilarity, from her shaved head to her shaved hoohoo. We desperately need a home grown version to liven up the evening news.
I can’t imagine how you missed it, but this year’s album reads like a confessional transcript. Named Blackout (no, seriously, it is), the CD contains tracks titled Gimme More (This Rehab Stint Is Like, So Not For Me), Freakshow (My Tabloid Life in 2007) and Why I Should Be Sad (That I Cannot Find My Own Knickers). Given recent reports, I think there’s room on the album for a remix of Oops, I Did It Again (And Got Knocked Up Straight Away).
03. Wolff Olins
Wolff Olins, “the world’s most influential brand business” accomplished the year’s most brilliant hoax by unveiling an exec’s doodle of Lisa Simpson giving a blow job as the 2012 Olympics logo. For their efforts, they won accolades for being “edgy” “dynamic” “innovative” and “young.” They also won £400,000, proving definitively that for a desperate ad executive, “impossible is nothing” – especially when you have crayons and a sense of humour in your arsenal.
02. John Smeaton and His Internet Friends
Obvious hurrah and well done to the have a go Glasgow airport hero who had his go during the airport un-bombing. His reward: a bunch of medals and honours… and 1,400 pints bought for him online at the Glasgow Airport Holiday Inn. You can buy him one, too.
01. Miss D
More than 100,000 women have traveled to Britain for abortions in the past 25 years. No woman makes this trip easily. And for women living in poverty, women who must care for small children, women with unsupportive partners, the journey is incredibly difficult. For Miss D, living in care and pregnant with a fetus that could not survive after birth, the journey was almost made impossible by opposition from the HSE, who sought an injunction to bar her from travel to Britain. She won her case when Mr Justice Liam McKechnie told the HSE where to shove it, and further noted that
Miss D had showed courage, integrity and maturity and had also displayed sound moral judgment by refusing to say she was suicidal when she was not.
Courage and integrity being words rarely applied to opposing council’s client. You go, girl. And a happy, healthy, peaceful New Year to you, too.